We Asked These Self-Identified Democrats Why They’re Suddenly OK with Space Force

The Func Dead Heads

Dems Space Force

Tink Jacobs, 51, former school bus whisperer - “I didn’t trust Donald Trump to get the best space weapons money can buy (I mean, he makes his clothes in China!) but that ol’ sniffer, Joe Biden? Now there’s a man I trust to spend billions militarizing outer space! He can smell a good nuke from a mile away.”

Reg “Reggie” Munson, 64, Single-A baseball umpire - “When I first heard about the Space Force, it sounded like just another scheme to transfer even more wealth to weapons manufacturers and defense contractors in an effort to enrich Trump and his buddies. But now with Biden’s steadfast, brittle frame wandering around the Oval, I see it’s actually just another tactic to transfer even more wealth to weapons manufacturers and defense contractors to keep us safe.”

Winona St. Cloud, 39, drive-thru speaker saleswoman - “So every year, Army plays Navy in football. But who does Air Force play? Nobody. With Space Force, Air Force finally has an opponent. Having a Space Force is better for the incredible industry that is college football, and ipso facto, it’s better for our great nation.”

Minnie Minuet-Jones, 46, former Spin Doctors fan - “When Trump announced Space Force, it was really fun to goof on how stupid this branch of the military was gonna be. I watched the Netflix show Space Force ten times and loved it despite not laughing once. But then it made me think about how if the idea of American dominance in outer space seemed ridiculous, wasn’t it also ridiculous to pursue that same military supremacy here on Earth? That idea made my brain hurt, so in March of 2020, I made sure to head down to the polls to safely vote for Biden in the Democratic Primary.”

Craig Tult, 23, freelance au pair - “There was no President I hated as much as Donald Trump. I was so happy when Biden won, because that meant Trump would finally get to see what a real President looked like. Joe Biden is sticking it to Trump by taking Trump’s agenda and seeing it through. THIS is how you run a bloated military while Americans can’t even afford healthcare, Donnie!”

Goldie Powers, 41, heiress to small boomer fortune - “Honestly? When the blue guys do it, it’s good. Period. Full stop. Send tweet.”

Pump Warhawg, 61, tech connoisseur - “I just couldn’t picture 45 driving a spaceship. He can barely drink water! And he’d be grabbing the space stewardesses’ pussies. Not cool. But Joe? Man, could his dad drive a car. And that means Joe can drive a spaceship! I don’t care if he gets injured petting his own dog, or sniffs the copilot’s hair clean off the scalp. He’s gonna drive the hell outta that thing and I [clap] am [clap] here [clap] for [clap] it!”

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